Thursday, January 1 1756

This day rec’d of Master Piper 1 peck of oats. Samuel Slater stayed all day. Rec’d a letter from Mr James Hodges, wherein he sends to me for money which has been paid these 20 months.

This day my wife and I had a great many words, but for what reason I cannot recount, though doubtless if we could be proper judges of our own actions we should find that we are both but too much to blame and possibly should find all our differences to arise from so trivial a cause that we both might have cause to blush. But oh! was marriage ever designed to make mankind unhappy? No! unless by their own choice. It’s made so by both parties being not satisfied with each other’s merit. But sure this cannot be my own affair, for I married, if I know my own mind, with nothing in view but entirely to make my wife and self happy and to live in a course of virtue and religion and to be a mutual help and assistance to each other, I was neither instigated to marry by avarice, ambition, nor lust. No, nor was I prompted to it by anything; only the pure and desirable sake of friendship. Sure, many of my actions must be convincing proofs of love and friendship (to one who once I hoped to be ever dear to); though other of my actions may doubtless in the eye of the world render me not so, but if in my worst actions were the motives traced up to their first origin I doubt not but my sincere love and friendship would there appear in still more stronger lights. Oh, what am I a-going to say I have done? I have almost made as it were a resolution to make a separation, I mean by settling my affairs and parting in friendship, out is this that for what I married? Oh, how are my views frustrated from the prospect of a happy and quiet life to the enjoyment of one that is quite the opposite! Oh, were I but endued with the patience of Socrates; then might I be happy, but as I am not I will endeavor to pacify myself with the cheerful reflection that I am well assured I have done to my utmost to render our union happy, easy, good and comfortable to ourselves and progeny.

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