Thomas Turner

…At home all day and not very busy. How melancholy a time I have, not that I would be thought anyways to murmur at the wise distributions of providence; no, far from it…[15 words omitted]…I doubt not if I were to look around me upon the rest of mankind, I might see many more wretched than myself, and that I enjoy many blessings denied to a great number of my fellow creatures, and if not, I can with propriety say I enjoy more than I deserve; but still, as I am fearful my trade does not answer, and am at a loss to get into any other branch (nor do I think my capacity equal to carry on a great trade), how can I help being uneasy, and more particularly as I have not a friend to whom I can entrust the management of my affairs to, so that when I am from home my affairs suffer at home, and when I am at home my affairs are neglected abroad, for wanting seeing after; so that I have as it were a curb put upon any industry I might exert myself with.

I dined on the remains of yesterday’s dinner. At home all day and very little to do. My brother came over in the afternoon, but did not stay. Rec’d of Joseph Fuller 1 buttock of beef and suet, 2 stone 2 lbs. A prodigious wet day. Paid Tulley a patten-maker at Buxted 6/- in full for pattens etc. bought of him today. A thoroughly melancholy time; trade dull and money scarce, taxes being extremely high, and the farmers having neither money to lay out or to employ the poor.

…I dined on some bullock’s heart fried. At home all day. Paid Mr Laurence Thornton in cash 1.1.0 in part of the £8 borrowed of him about the 22nd day of October last. But very little to do all day. In the evening made part of a poor rate.

About 3:10 we began our work and distributed upwards of £7 and I conjecture to between 5 and 6 hundred people, as also a sack of wheat made into bread and at the least a hogshead of good fresh beer. I stayed and breakfasted with Mrs Coates and after receiving my groat came home about 11:10. I dined on part of a bullock’s heart fried… Relieved the following poor people today with 1d and a draught of beer each:

1. John Elless	16. Dame Burrage
2. Will Eldridge	17. John Streeter
3. John Dan	18. Thomas Roase
4. Widow Day	19. Robert Baker
5. Will Slarks	20. Roger Vallow
6. Francis Turner	21. Will Slinden
7. Sam Jenner	22. Thomas Heath
8. Richard Heath	23. Widow Trill
9. Thomas Tester	24. Richard Braizer
10. Ann Wood	25. James Emery
11. Ed Babcock	26. Will Henly
12. Thomas Dallaway	27 Richard Vinal
13. Widow Cornwell	28. Thomas Ling
14. Susan Swift	29. Widow Cain
15. Richard Prall

At home all day, except as before. Dame Durrant drank tea with me. In the evening Joseph Fuller smoked a pipe with me.

…0ne of my servants at church in the morning. I dined on a bullock’s heart pudding and turnips. No service at our church in the afternoon, Mr Porter being ill. In the evening went down to Halland where I supped and stayed all night in order to assist Mr Coates in distributing of a gift left by some of the ancestors of the Pelham family forever to be given yearly on St Thomas’s day to every man and woman 4d each and every child 2d each, together with a draught of beer and a piece of bread.

Rec’d of Joseph Fuller Jr 1 bill…value £20, drawn on Mr Gale Swinbolt at the East India House. I gave Joseph Fuller £12 in part of the said bill and my note of hand…for the remaining £8. Sent Mr Robert Plumer enclosed in a letter by John Inman the above bill.

Came home about 2:10. My brother went away immediately. My family at home dined on a piece of pork, an apple pudding and turnips… Oh, could I say I went sober to bed. Oh, how does my tormented mind suffer anguish — but let me quite, oh let me for ever conquer this easy temper; let me fix my resolution and with divine assistance let me pluck as it were out a right eye; that is, let me endeavor never more to be guilty of this folly. Oh, how do I detest myself; let me repent in dust and ashes, and once more try to obtain a victory over my unruly passions.

In the forenoon my brother came and dined with me on the remains of yesterday’s dinner, with the addition of piece of pork and some turnips. After dinner I rode to Lewes upon my brother’s horse. I paid Mrs Mary Roase… £6… I also paid Mr George Verral… £4… Rec’d of Mr Thomas Carman 1.2.0 in full for half a year’s land tax due at St Michael last. Spent the evening at Mr George Verral’s in company with my brother and lodged at the White Hart.

I cannot say I went to bed quite sober, so frail, so wicked a creature am I, and as I have transgressed today, so may I perhaps again tomorrow. Could I express the torment which such an action creates in my mind, it would I believe draw tears from a heart harder than adamant.

In the forenoon walked up to Mrs Piper’s… I dined on the remains of yesterday’s dinner… In the evening finished posting my day book.

…A continual rainy day and at home all day and as little to do all day as it is possible to imagine. Oh, heavy and dismal is trade. I am quite in a strait not knowing what to do. Sometimes I think I will set myself clear in the world and leave Hoathly, as I am so embarrassed in my affairs, what with my friends, and together with the debts due on my trade. At other times I think it would be looked upon as a discontented mind that occasions me to do it, go that I am at a loss which measure to pursue, being unwilling to act imprudent and yet at the same time desirous to act in such a manner as might be most consistent with reason and at the same time not to distrust the wise distributions of providence. My inclinations seem most inclined to leaving this place, thinking it is the most prudent method as my circumstances are at present. In the afternoon posted part of my day book. In the evening Sam Jenner and I finished writing out Mrs Browne’s bills.

…Dame Akehurst a-washing for me all day and dined with me on a leg of mutton roasted. In the afternoon walked down to Halland, but did not stay. Paid Dame Akehurst [9]d for her day and [½] work… In the evening wrote out some bills for Mrs Browne, she and Sam Jenner being at my house assisting me, and spent the evening with me.

My life thoroughly melancholy through my own misconduct. Let me learn that most excellent virtue of humility, and content [ment?], Virtues truly noble md beneficial, and which I shall reap inestimable profit from, both in this present life and that which is to come, for notwithstanding I am deprived of some blessings which others enjoy, yet if I duly consider how many and great are some blessings which I enjoy in the highest manner, which are denied to many of my fellow-beings and contemporaries, and — what? am I better than they? No, not perhaps near so deserving. Then let me learn to have a just sense of the goodness of the giver of all good things, and at the same duly, humbly and thankfully make a right use of then.